I made it! Whew! I thought i was going to give up in there a few times last week. But, yesterday after a long 10 hours of work (I go to work on Sunday's so I can stay at home during the week), I found my way onto the yoga mat for the record breaking 7th day in a row!

The first goal- CHECK
Next goal is to continue for 2 more weeks w/o missing a day. 7 down, 14 to go.

enough said.
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I'm starting to get a little bit concerned. On the one hand, this yoga challenge has been amazing. It has been the motivation that drives me to the mat each day (for a record 4 days in a row). But on the other hand it has exposed my weakness... the 15 minute warm up.

Day 4: I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday. I woke up in a piss-y mood and the day went down hill from there. At one point, I had an idea of when I would squeeze in my daily yoga practice but as the day wore on, my schedule shifted around dramatically until it was finally 9pm and I was sitting on the couch sobbing and exhausted (let me note here that nothing major happened to turn my day upside down, it was just a series of unfortunate events that all collided on the same day; so I'm fine today). I hadn't done yoga, and I only wanted to sit down with my husband for some tv time and so I could vent about my terrible day. However, as luck would have it, he couldn't sit with me. He had to do some work for about a half hour. Some part of me, some deep reserve of energy that was hidden out of sight until that moment when I didn't know I had it but desperately needed it, arose and carried me up the stairs into my studio. I turned on Pandora Radio's "Shamanic Journey" station and stepped onto the mat. I knew I wasn't cut out for a long difficult set of poses. I decided to do 5 sun-salutations. It took everything I had. I almost didn't start the 5th one. A voice in my head was going, "you can stop. You did enough. I mean you only had to get on the mat everyday. You don't have to do a certain number or a certain amount of time here. You can just stop and step off whenever you want." But I willed myself through the last sun-salutation series with great control. I had told Brett I'd be upstairs for about 15 minutes. When I looked at the clock after the 5th series, it had been 13 minutes. That's it. 13 minutes. "I can't even do 15 minutes right," I thought. I was disappointed, but my body was having no more of it. So, I used the remaining 2 minutes to meditate.
I felt refreshed but a little disappointed in my lack of endurance.

Day 5- Today was better. In fact, its only 3:52pm and I've already finished my practice for the day. But, I have to say that for the second day in a row, I can't seem to commit to a lengthy session. I only stayed on the mat today for 23 minutes. I feel like the fact that I'm at home and alone in my studio gives me permission to talk myself into just stopping when I feel like it. 'Is that so bad,' you may ask. Well, I believe it is because my rock hard resolve I had 4 days ago is starting to weaken a little bit. I feel like by resigning to 15 minutes or less on the mat, I'm cheating myself out of some growth, and strengthening that my muscles really deserve. I totally get the meditative aspect of yoga and the muscle-lengthening aspect and even the connection to listening to my body more. But, I'm missing the tension and the challenge to hold the tension of a pose or a session which leads to endurance and self-confidence and a better body in the end.
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Day 2: So basically the challenge is to see if I can get on my yoga mat for 3 weeks straight. As it turns out, 3 days straight is actually a challenge! Yesterday, I was escorted to my mat via Yoga Journal's quick video sent to my Yahoo! inbox. And as timing would have it, it just so happened to co-inside with Matt's nap. This time, I spent some uninterrupted time in my studio practicing yoga (see Monday's blog post for more on that). Alas, I got bored. I was on and off the mat in 20 minutes. Ok, it was 15 minutes; I just wanted to sound good for you guys! I marked a big fat Y across Tuesday, January 17 on my calendar and went on about my day. Check.

Day 3: I awoke this morning feeling excited. Up until now, I've been practicing yoga consistently twice a week. Today was going to push myself past that little plateau and get me to "the next level". I'm blogging about it which means it did eventually happen; but it took me until 10pm to finally run out of other things to do. I even took Matt to pre-school and had 3 1/2 hours of quiet time- which I used to work on many other things like dishes, updating my website (wisdomofdreams.com), catching up with my sister and my cousin on the phone and planning for a business meeting that is coming up in a few days. But, I did not get up to the studio for yoga. Ultimately, what made me follow through today was this blog. This year I am determined, come hell or high water, to follow through with stuff and this blog is no exception (nor is the yoga challenge but I needed the risk of failing at 2 things in order to get me to do either one).

After everyone in the house quieted down for some rest, I finally forced myself onto the mat. And, believe it or not, once I got on the mat, I didn't want to leave! It was an unbelievable 45 minutes of flowing yoga poses that felt deep and wonderful to my stressed out muscles. You know it's going to be a good yoga practice when the first down dog is ache and stiff but by the 3rd breath, you're actually relaxing into the pose and feeling the inner fibers of your muscles waking up.


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When I decided to sign up for Yoga Journal's 21 Days of Yoga Challenge. I knew I'd need to do some preparing, mentally physically emotionally and spiritually. I also knew I'd need to prepare logistically- on the calendar, finding a time during each day when I could retire to my studio or in front of the TV. And, I knew I'd need to prepare for failure if in fact my challenge ends up in the gutter. But, I did not know that I would end up having to prepare for my 2 year old.

I signed up for the challenge because Yoga instructor is one of my long term goals, and because yoga is my own contribution to taking care of my body during this year's round(s) of infertility treatments.

Here is how my first day unfolded-

It's 4:00 pm, and Matt has been napping for about an hour as I enter my studio with a quiet determination and excitement. I feel stoic, strong, poised and ready to be the perfect yogi on my mat. Opening up the yoga tv app on my iphone, I place it at perfect eye level on my bookcase. And, I begin. Deep Ujjayi breathing, strong and purposeful breathing with control. 15 minutes in, Matt gets up from his nap. He finds me in a perfect down dog position.

"Hey, Mommy!" I decide to let this scene unfold with a yoga attitude of peace and tranquility. "Hi," I quietly respond, "I'm doing some yoga would you like to come in?"

"Oh, ok." He slams the door behind him, walks to the front of my mat and stares at me. I listen intently, undeterred, to the instructor. He turns his head and spots my phone. My posture weakens as I turn my head to watch what's about to happen. "What's this?" he asks excitedly. He can't help but to put his hands on my phone (the one thing all 2 year olds covet the most is to gain control of that phone). He's careful, and I think he senses that he is at the limit of what he's allowed to do at this point because he doesn't pick it up. He just clasps it and watches the instructor.

After 3 minutes, just when I'm about to relax again into the newest pose in the sequence, he gets bored.

Now, I need to explain my studio here. It is my haven away from family, home and career. It is a true sanctuary. My mother stayed with me last summer and the two of us spent 2 days turning the old guest room into everything that speaks to me- blue walls, soft luxurious bedding, creative pictures, a book case for all of my most favorite and inspirational books, and a jewelry making desk. I love making jewelry. And every since Matt was born it had been in constant movement. Moving from the living room table to the dining room table to the kitchen counter and finally up into my own private studio. We built a desk just for my hobby with perfect little shelves and cubbys for everything and a beautiful work space desk top. Up until present day, Matt has been very carefully monitored in this room so as not to get into my beads, tools or jewelry collection. And I have been able to keep it all out on the desktop in complete disarray.

Ok back to him getting bored. I decide to stay in the peaceful mindset, so I walk around the room with him helping him get to whatever he's curious about. And then we make it around to the hobby desk. There's a big bowl FULL of various left over beads and this is what he ultimately decides he wants to play with. At this point, I still don't see it coming, so I say "Matt, how about if we put this bowl on the floor for you to play with while I finish yoga?" He begins to giggle with delight and nods his head. I put it down for him and before I can make it back to my mat, he has buried his hand all the way to the bottom of the bowl and is sweeping the beads out. They are flying everywhere and his eyes are brilliant with joy!

"Really, Pam, Really?" I thought, "On the FIRST day??"
I realized at that point that I would have to prepare for Matt to be around during my 21 day challenge. I would have to childproof my studio. I also realize that I welcomed him in and offered the bowl to him. Did I, on some level, desire to bring this level of chaos into my practice?

Maybe I was wanting a distraction and Matt walked in at the right time. Or, maybe I was trying to find a way for Matt to learn yoga, since I plan on making it a lifetime practice. Or maybe I just had a momentary laps of judgement. I don't know, but it broke my rhythm and instead of doing a 50 minute yoga routine, I found myself on my hands and knees picking up jewelry beads with my 2 year old. For 40 minutes we looked at all of the pretty beads, threw some of them across the room with reckless abandon, tried to find the ones with the letters on them and stood in the pile of beads kicking them into the air like snow.

I did get on the yoga mat, so I am counting today a success. And even though I didn't follow through or get a full workout, I believe it's ok because after we had cleaned up all of the beads, I found 3 little lettered ones on the floor...a "z", and "e" and a "n" .
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As a dream interpreter and an expert dream worker, I am fascinated by my inability to control or even influence my dreams. I advise people all the time to set intentions for their dreams when they need guidance or would like to change the outcome of a recurring nightmare. My advice is always followed by reminding the dreamer that it is possible to influence your dreams but it is difficult to do and so persistence is the key. "It may take a week or two before you see any results," I tell them.

And that is true. Some people have an amazing capability to change or influence their dreams or to become lucid (aware that they are dreaming) while in the middle of a dream. And some people continue to struggle to access that skill no matter how persistent they may be. I am in the later group.

Take last night, for example. I recently joined the group, 350 Dreamers, which is a group of individuals who, on certain days in the year, set intentions to dream for global healing and then report their dreams the following day. Fascinating, right? And, it sounds like a super easy way to contribute to the betterment of the world. Last night was my first attempt to "group dream" for Mother Earth. In a word, fail. I don't remember a single dream. I can only hope that my unconscious mind took on the responsibility of dreaming for healing and, without my conscious mind, dreamed a beautiful dream of love and light and world wellness. But, I will never know, and I sadly have nothing to report to the group of dreamers anxiously awaiting responses this morning. I will read others' responses and hope that those might trigger my own memory of last night's dreams. (you can read them, too- click HERE)

Oh well, for now I will live vicariously through others who can sway their dreams the way they intend. I guess I'm secretly more interested in what my dreams have to say to me than what I have to say to them.
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Seven years ago my husband and I brought home Keeper, a beautiful German shepherd puppy. She was (and still is) stunningly beautiful. Perfect markings and very smart. But, at the time, I didn't know she had a personality. I know it sounds crazy but I just thought everything she did was because she was a dog and that's how dogs behaved. Then, a year later, we got Rook, Keeper's half-brother.  As soon as we brought Rook in, Keeper's personality jumped out at me. All of a sudden, I could tell when she was happy, irritated, mischievous and sad! I could see her for the wonderfully complex being that she is because I had Rook (also wonderfully complex, but in an entirely different way) to compare her to! And that is what happened in my head today, I was able to hear my ego-self in an entirely new and more complete way because I heard my subtle inner-self speak up.

Earlier this morning, I heard her loud and clear and most importantly, separate from myself. I don’t think, up until today, that I have ever really been able to separate her from my other selves. She is dominant, loud, clear in her instructions and she sounds just like my mother. Meet,  Drama Queen a.k.a. Ego. She sounds like this, “Oh no, don’t do that! What will people think?” and “Yes, I  absolutely HAVE to have some new workout clothes. I can’t keep showing up at the gym in these raggedy old clothes. Besides, won’t it make me look damn good? and if I look good, I feel good and so the workout will be more beneficial because that’s how energy works. If you feel good, then what you do is enhanced. Sure, it’ll cost us money but there are some thrifty places we can go…Walmart, Goodwill, Target,… Oooh, let's go shopping!” and on and on she goes. She’s very crafty that Drama Queen. She plays on my insecurities and manipulates every decision to play perfectly into her plan.

So, how did I recognize her today? She played her role just a little too loudly and desperately, that’s how. "I know we're out of money this week but I HAVE to go to the grocery store. I don't have an entree. I cannot make dinner on just pasta and sauce. What about the meat? You have to have meat for dinner!" She sounded desperate in my head and so I stepped back and asked, "What’s going on, honey? Why are you so adamant?" And somewhere in the depths of my mind, I heard a new voice. A quiet, calm, inner peaceful voice. Enter the Dream Queen a.k.a. Attachment Means Nothing. She asserted her voice in the space between my question and Drama’s answer. "She’s adamant because she knows she’s wrong."

I pondered that new idea for a moment and realized how profoundly accurate it was. She, my Drama Queen-ego was loud and clear…and wrong. I realized that my unattached-self didn’t need to know what others thought and she didn’t need new clothes to get joy from working out. She didn’t need for me to spend any money. In fact, she relished in the idea of trying to live happily through the entire day without spending a dime. She didn’t need anything.

In a testament to this, a moment ago, I absentmindedly hit a random key on the computer and this entire blog disappeared. I’m pretty technologically savvy, but I have NO idea what I hit; and I had no idea how to get the screen back; and of course I hadn’t saved anything. Here is the dialogue that ensued,Drama Queen, “What?! No! No, no, no, Come on! It was really good! I can’t re-write that, it just won’t sound the same!...” Dream Queen, “(deep breath) Ah… no worries; I wrote it and I can say it all again in a beautiful expressive way. Everything is absolutely as it should be.” This conversation played out clearly, just as if I had one Queen sitting on each shoulder. Normally, I would side with Drama, but because I could hear and sense the calm from Dreamer, I was able to ‘slip into her shoes’ and see the situation from her perspective. I took a break from my computer, completely un-attached to this post, and when I came back, I easily navigated my way through the document recovery screen to find it again.

I often tell my clients that once you know something (meaning you bring it into conscious awareness), you can't un-know it. I am thrilled that this is the case, because it means that I will be able to hear little miss Dream Queen from now on. Even if I sometimes choose to side with Drama, Dream will still be there peacefully letting it all go.


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I've tried a couple of times to write about this, but it seems bigger than I can express in a blog entry. But, in the interest of 'putting it out there' and expressing my gratitude for how things work in the universe, I will try again to tell about what I experienced a couple of weeks ago.

What happened to me was nothing short of a miracle. After having a miscarriage and undergoing a barrage of bloodwork, the dr informed me that I had a condition known as APS (Antiphospholipid syndrome) and would require a self-injected blood thinner every day throughout any future pregnancy. I was devastated and, if you've been reading my blog entries this summer, then you'll see that I was struggling with feeling really pissed off and very much like a victim.

One day my husband came home and informed me that after some intense research, he found that you need 2 blood tests to confirm a diagnosis and that it is possible for my aps levels to be elevated because of an infection in the body. I had a hard time swallowing the idea that I needed to 'go against the drs orders' and request a second test be run. What if he disagreed? Would I be labeled as the "difficult" patient and would it change how he interacted with me? I didn't want to rock the boat, but I didn't want to give myself a shot everyday for 40 weeks either. So, my husband and I planned out what I was going to say and thankfully, my dr was in full support of our wishes (even though he said didn't need to run the tests again from his perspective). We ran the tests.

Three days later, I was on the phone with the nurse. She told me the blood work had come back normal. NORMAL! "In fact," she said, "it's well within the normal range; not even close to being abnormal." Now, I came really close to literally falling to my knees and crying out in joy; but I kept some composure as I was at a very public restaurant with my entire family. Instead, I told the nurse that she had made my day, hung up and wept silently for a minute before sharing our good news.
And just like that, we were cleared do another IUI procedure to get pregnant again WITHOUT the body shots!

But, that wasn't the miracle...
Later that day, I was rafting on a tube down the river in Helen, GA. At one point, I found myself alone (without the rest of my group). I laid my head back and took in all of the surrounding nature. I knew God was with me then, but I still thought to myself, "Is this real? I mean all of this spiritual stuff, the praying, the signs I've been getting, and everything. Is this really how it works? Are you out here? If it is, maybe a fish will jump or something." Can you guess what happened next.

3 feet directly in front of my tube, a little minnow (the size of my ring finger) jumped straight out of the water. I can even still hear the tiny splash it made as I think about the event today.

I was stunned; and for a moment, not a thought crossed my mind as I stared at the space where that little sign had undeniably answered my question. Then I got all nervous and butterflies danced in my belly while it sunk in that God had just answered me, directly and without-a-doubtly.

This happened 14 days ago. Still in the back of my mind, I am trying to deny it or explain it away but I cannot. It was not a coincidence that I had the thought at the exact moment before the fish was driven to leap out of the water in front of only me. It was an undeniable answer from God after one of my prayers had been answered earlier in the day.

I cannot deny that I am on the right path in my life and I know with every part of my being that God will bless us with another child for our family.
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I interpret between 20-40 dreams each week. One of the common dreams I hear are about visitations from either loved ones who have passed or what people describe as spirits. I'm always very careful to avoid defining these characters as actual spirits or ghosts. But, people often times still ask. Was it really my mother in the dream? Or was that really a spirit or was it just my imagination?

Real or imagined. The answer is yes. Yes, because they are one and the same. In the dream realm, everything is imagined in the sense that it appears in your mind's eye and not in physical 3-d form in front of your opened eyes. But, everything is also real in the sense that it is a real symbol chosen by your unconscious mind to put before you for some purpose. The dream realm is the place of all possibilities. And since you are the dreamer, you get to answer the question, "was it real or imagined?"

And, some of you are scoffing at this, I can hear you. You are saying, "Come on. Dreams are not real. They are in your head so they are totally imagined!" I get that. So, let's say, for argument's sake that you are right. Dreams are completely imagined and not in any sense real. Even then, I would argue that just because something is imagined doesn't mean it is meaningless. Imagination is where all solutions originate. So, just because the angel from your dream wasn't a real angel (for you) doesn't mean that it's place in your dream served no purpose.

It is up to each individual to decide if you need the characters in your dream to be real or to be your own imagination. Either way, you are right.
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Playing the victim is fun. There I said it. It is fun to get attention, all eyes turned on you with that "Oh, bless your heart" look. It feels good to be cared for and to be wrapped in everyone's arms. And then to go get ice cream.

I can't say I'd choose to be infertile but, if I'm being honest, it does give me a reason to mope when I feel like moping. And it gives me a reason to play the poor-me card when I want. And if you've been reading my posts lately, you know I've been playing that card a good bit lately.

The challenge then, is not to give in to that ego part of me that says, "Hey! This isn't fair!", "Why me?", "I deserve that piece of cake because you don't know the emotional toil I've been through." and "while I'm eating, let me tell you my story."

But, people live with so much worse than this and there's always someone who has a much sadder story. To be honest, I bet it's the ones who have the toughest life that do the least complaining. I wouldn't know because mine's been pretty good. 

I am tired of hearing myself complain about it, I am ready to get a move on and to do what needs to be done so I can have another beautiful blessed baby in my arms. So, the next time you hear me complaining, please take my victim card from me and politely discard it. Thanks.
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I read something this morning about how some people are living as a shadow of themselves and it made me wonder about the shadow self in our dreams. I sometimes have dreams where no matter how much I squint and move around, I can't seem to see clearly. I usually attribute that circumstance in my dream to symbolizing some deeper part of my unconscious that is still not fully risen to the surface of consciousness. But now, I wonder if it also symbolizes me embodying my shadow self. I mean, it could be that since I am seeing from the perspective of shadowy darkness, then I am (at that time in my dream) my shadow self, as in seeing things in First-Person shadow. I bet if I use that perspective the next time it comes up in dream interpretation, it will be a very insightful point of view.
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    I am an introvert, an empath, a mother and a wife. I interpret dreams, teach, survive infertility, and write.

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